a piece of remember

tired

2007-06-08T12:29:00.000+08:00

i maybe there for you.always and forever.but i feel tired.
i'm tired of reading ur blogs.reading those words that make me dizzy,trying to feel how you feel.it's always me?has it?it always was.i always feel i was the one to blame.but blaming myself,i feel tired,tired of looking those things you gave me that went missing.tired of wondering what's gonna come next.tired of telling and begging you to study.tired of you putiing the blame on me.tired of being friends with you.i feel so tired.u wanna know what i'm thinking ? ok.let me tell you what i'm thinking!

i hate the way u're always be with me.i always wonder why the anger?why the feelings?why?i dont understand.but maybe it's because of me.we dont have same thoughts.u may hate that guy a lot,but i maybe loving that guy to hell.u dont know how i feel and i dont know what u're thinking.i always wonder why do you always treat me this way?i know it.because you appreciate our friendship.you always have.i keep on persuading myself that it's because you treat me as your life long best and ever friend.and i'm really proud of that!i really am!but have you ever thought of me?i keep on doing these silly mistakes,i blame myself,i read ur thoughts,by what?by your blog.and those posts are always about me.how i disappoint you.i always have.and i know that you want to give up being as my best friend.i know you want to let it go.

i am angry.angry angry angry.angry about how deeply i disappoint you.sometimes you even take concern about really really small matters.matters that dont matter at all.but i know you take them as a huge concern.but for me?have you ever thought how those matters are to me?they dont matter at all for me.i'm tired.i dont wana keep accepting the blame.it feels bad, really really bad.

and do you wany to know why i'm such eager to leave for japan?it's because i can't stand it anymore.i want to have a new start , a new life.i want to run away from those problems.
but what can i do ?i'm just being myself.i dont appreciate things.i dont know why?i just dont.I DONT!!!!!

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

2007-02-23T19:32:00.000+08:00

my candle burns at both ends ;
it will not last the night ;
but ah , my foes , and oh , my friends -
it gives a lovely night!

-Carl Sandburg , "Kin"

2007-02-23T19:26:00.000+08:00

brother , i am fire
surging under ocean floor
i shall never meet you , brother -
not for years , anyhow;maybe thousands of years , brother.
then i will warm you ,
hold you close , wrap you in circles,
use you and change you -
maybe thousands of years , brother.

forbidden to remember , terrified to forget

2007-02-23T19:15:00.000+08:00

i missed the sea.the sea i look everytime before i leave.but not this time. the sea i doubt i'll ever get to see again.maybe it'll be just like this.just like how i missed the sea.we wont work it out.i don't wana be an ass like last time.since you said it's an aim but you won't confess maybe you're right.what's the point?our future will be in different worlds.it'll just be how i missed the sea.it'll just be how i missed the sunset yesterday. it'll just be how we missed ourselves.but the sky always the blue.the moon always the yellow.the sun always the bright.but us the missed and memories the unwritten.

farewell friday

2007-01-24T17:16:00.000+08:00

i cried.walking down the stairs.with tears rolling down my cheeks.'such an idiotic jerk you are.why was i that stupid to fall into you.i was all wrong.'i thought.'you're not worth my tears.'my heart shouted.but the tears still did not stop.i walked towards the community centre,couldn't imagine the consequences if i walked back home with red eyes.i sat next to the olympic sized pool.thinking.it wasn't fair.ok.maybe it was.but why?guess i could only figure that out by myself.i began to think wisely.it was the past.he had the choice.he had his own choice.i was so innocent to think that he actually still had the feeling for me.well,kinda figured that out and i went back HOME!haha.=)everything's okay for me right now.*smiles*

and how dare you, stupid lee jie kai!promised to belanja aku makan!what happened to your promise?hpw dare you ask me out to the community centre-restaurant for dinner when there's only half an hour more before the place closes?told you that it's too late and you're required to belanja me makan when you come back from aussie!but have you ever think that i will not be around already whereas in japan?until that time,i swear i will hate you!you'd better remember my meal you owe me!same jerk!hmph!=P

what i wish you'd know

2007-01-16T21:22:00.000+08:00

thit hurts by watching your back,walking towards the crowd you're usually with.i observe the days when u're absent or present in school.but it's ridiculous isn't it?i saw you.walking,laughing talking to your friends.discussing things i'd love to hear.everyday i wonder,if u'd call me or message me and tell me that there'd been a misunderstanding that led to our broke up.that u were wrong to listen to rumors that weren't true,that u feel sorry for not believing me.i wonder if u still belonged to me,i'd love to run towards you and hug u from behind.then u'd turn ur body to meet mine, caressing ur hand on my head,giving me a slight kiss on my forehead and asking me so gently that i could almost melt in ur arms about what's wrong.then i'll shake my head telling you that nothing's wrong and that i just wanted to be in ur arms.but these are dreams.dreams that will never ever come true.dreams that hasn't even the slightest possibility.dreams i wished so badly in my mind and hurts me in my heart.but the fact that there also isn't the slightest possibility that we'll be back in good hands again.it's just impossible.
but memories.memories that i cannot simply erase for the sake to forget you.the day u walked me home,hugging me in ur arms,telling me stories about urself and kssing me goodnight on my forehead before i stepped into my house garage until the day u wished me happy birthday in the middle of the night on the first of september when i was half awake as i was actually waiting for ur call until i fell asleep until the day u called me so many times and i was actually ignoring ur call until i couldn't stand it and picked up and u told me that u were around my housing estate and u were actually driving!u picked me up in ur car and i felt the warmth and so secured to be in ur car.we sat at the backseat and i was so close to you.u were hugging me.i felt how much love you had for me and i was happy.but i was afraid.afraid that your love for me would go down.we stepped out of ur car.u hugged me and kissed me goodnight on my forehead.u were waiting for me to lift my head up but i didn't.i wasn't ready for my first kiss.i was afraid.u knew how i felt even though i didnt tell you.i remained my head down.and u left after wishing me goodbye.until the day i went to a party dressing myself with a snowy white gown that was really pretty.we met at jk's house.i felt asleep on jk's desk while waiting for you to arrive.you came in the room and i know u did.i continued sleeping.u hugged me from behind and kissed me on my cheek informing that u were here.i moved a little but was reluctant to get up.it felt so nice being hugged by you.we spent quite some time playing the labtop,signing in ur account and playing songs.u led me downstairs and back up again.u loved playing with my ear.and i didnt ask why.u led me home as u saw my yawns.u carried me on ur back as i was wearing heels that hurt so painfully.u kissed me goodnight the same day and expected me to lift my head back up again.but i still didn't.u knew i was still not prepared.i just didn't have the strength to face you that close everytime u expect me to.
i chose you.and i did not regret accepting you.your arms,warmth,breath,strength,heart,everything...meant the world to me.
but the world has it's own limits and borders.and so as ur heart and love for me.
we were not destined together.we were not meant to be together.and that's the fact.we're different people from different worlds.i cant go to your's and u can't simply come to mine.
maybe one day,we'll meet the same people from our own world respectively.until then i wish you the very best for everything and to be happy for every decision you make.and i just want you to know, my heart for you was true from the very beginning you started holding my hands.and my heart did shattered so badly when it came to the border of our worlds.

the wrotes

2006-12-31T13:56:00.000+08:00

Henry James wrote :"Be not afraid of life.Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact."

John Steinback once wrote :"Change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass."

George Eliot once wrote :'' There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and be healed, to have despaired and recovered hope."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote :"All are architects of fate living in these walls of time. All are archiects of fate, so look not mornfully into the past, it comes not back again."

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote :"There is no privacy that cannot be penetrated. No secret can be kept in the civilized world. Society is a masked ball where everyone hides his real character and reveals it by hding."

Robert Louis Stevenson wrote :''You cannot run away from a weakness. You must fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now and where you stand ?"

Ida Scott Taylor once wrote :"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone, and do not be truobled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

H.L.Mencken wrote :"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag and begin slitting throats."

new year's eve

2006-12-31T13:48:00.000+08:00

going out with Vi Yi and Jean Ni later on at bout 4.we're going for countdown!but the truth is...i don't realy feel like going.feel like it's better if i celebrate new year's eve with chooi ying they all.well,the reason's b'coz dad won't need to go and fetch me in the middle of the night.and it'll be in sierramas and i can just walk home.but, jean ni's leaving soon and i won't be seeing her maybe for a YEAR?!aihs.why does she have to go and study i aussie?isn't it the same here in malaysia?!

words you cannot erase

2006-12-28T16:13:00.000+08:00

Every once in a while people step up. They rise above themselves. Sometimes they surprise you. And sometimes they fall short. Life is funny. Sometimes it can push you really hard. But if you look close enough, you find hope. In the words of children, in the bus of a song, and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, i mean if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.

At this moment, there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one.

Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens, and we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment - every part of it - will live on forever.

dont feel like blogging

2006-11-08T12:12:00.000+08:00

ok.i just don't feel like blogging.just don't.

i'm LAZY.haha.

do re mi fa so...

2006-11-06T13:07:00.000+08:00

oh...!!!i'm currently reading a book called"do re mi fa so".such a nice book.well,less sadness in it.the author wrote a really sad book she published a while ago.so this one's less sadie.haha.hope i can finish it by today.oh ya.i have account's tution tonight.f**k it.and there's P&A night this friday.and there's this stupid swimming competition this saturday.oh.and i'm leaving to japan next friday!!!hahahahaha.i just can't wait...

dreamt something last night.well,guess who?that idiotic asshole SAM.who else?then i dreamt that i was swimming in this saturday's competition.well,didn't dreamt of the ending thou.so i dont know whether i won or not.

well,i'm in mum's office now.everyone's back from lunch.better start working...bye.=)

as usual...

2006-11-03T22:22:00.000+08:00

from the left>>>june.peiling.karyan.me.yongshiang.
well,this was one of the class photos taken by shiang horng quite a while ago.

maybe i was wrong...

peiling,i'm sorry.really sorry bout the past.

can't stop blogging

2006-11-02T14:31:00.000+08:00

ok.i can't stop blogging.blogging's so much FUN!blah blah blah.whatever it is.

boring...boring...boring...boring...boring...boring...boring...

yea.boring.six words.B-O-R-I-N-G.well,it's better than going to school.don't wana see someone i don't feel like seeeing.sucker.spell it.S-U-C-K-E-R.just don't let me see him.idiot.spell it.I-D-I-O-T.asshole.spell it.A-S-S-H-O-L-E.

ok.haha.i've been insulting and scolding him non-stop.whatever he is.it's not that i hate him or what so ever.i just can't face him.u know.yea.so might as well scold him.then i get to face him.

bare this in mind.i DON'T like him anymore.and it's true.seriously.well,it's ok if u don't believe me,mr bloggie.haha.mr. bloggie...i've no more feelings for him.

well,the only thing i hope for is that we could still be friends.but the problem is that he sees me as though i'm transparent whenever i pass by.yeah.ok.whatever.whatever that A-S-S-H-O-L-E thinks.i'm not gonna B-L-O-O-D-Y H-E-L-L bother him.

oh.mum called me and said i can get RM20 if i work for her per hour.wow.that's a LOT!yeappie.i'm gona get rich.spell that.R-I-C-H.haha.

the BOY gang

2006-11-02T12:06:00.000+08:00

just love this pic.
fadzli-brown.he's malay.not being racist.notice his hair?
shaing horng-shorter than others.make him blue!
terrence-thin.tall.dark.he's indian.haha.darky!that's what they call him.not my fault.
kkchoo-he's purple.kinda fat*sorry*.but the truth he is.

whew...

2006-11-02T11:56:00.000+08:00

whew...glad she's not mad at me.LOVE u,Vi Yi!haha.

gona practice my piano as i said.christina's coming over today.and catch up my KUMON!ew...!!!just hate doing them.always do them last minute.well,it's just me.=)

and how the heck do you post pictures.T_T.i'm new.don't know.oh GOSH!someone please help me.and how come my brother's blog's so pretty?how did he change and decorate his template?i want something like his...

i can't post pictures!!!why why why?it says something's wrong with the connection.F**K.whatever.

Why is it always MY fault?

2006-11-02T10:54:00.000+08:00

not going to school today.didn't inform Vi Yi about it yesterday.about 8 in the morning,she called me."helena,you're not coming to school today?!".i said no.then she just hang up the phone.

what the HELL.why is always my fault.am i not allowed to NOT got to school?that means i have to inform her everything i do?

maybe it was my fault.she treats me as a best friend and i'm supposed to tell her everything.but i guess she's really ANGRY now.and maybe she's with Li Ying telling Li Ying what she feels and how hurt she is.

but it's my freedom right?not going to school.or going to school.at least it's what i feel...

gotta go and sent her a message and say SORRY.it was all MY fault.blah blah blah......

by the way,i skipped school because i wanted to practice the piano.taking GRADE 8 next year.that's lot of stress.great.now i have to ask Vi Yi whether i need not go back to school if not she'll be super-duper angry.now,that's EVEN MORE STRESS!

first blog

2006-11-02T00:07:00.000+08:00

first blog.hope i can continue for some time.had created 2 blogs before but ended up with this one.was sick of the other two.haha.

skipped school today.since it's so damn freaking boring nowadays in school.teachers don't even bother to teach.and it's torturing me when it comes to free period.felt sick and bored until i actually wanted the exams back.wow.what an amazing thought i have.they'll think i'm outta my mind.

found out Vi Yi's blog link.well,she kinda kept it secret from anyone.she's writting all her secrets in it.yea.went to the blogger search part and found out her blog link coincidencelly.pls don't blame me.read all her posts.wow.i was her one and only best friend.no matter what i do she'll always treat me as her ONE and only BEST friend in the world.but sometimes i really hope that she would'nt treat me that way.

it's just that i can't.i'm afraid.afraid that i'll betray or hurt her really badly someday.u know,sometimes it's not everything i can tell her.i just dont feel so.yea.that's what i feel.

went back to school at bout 3.30.to pass up that GOD DAMN form of P&A's.didn't know the reply slip was dued today until Vi Yi called me at bout 2.10.wow.got a SILVER for the ACADEMIC EXCELLENCE AWARD.haha.cool.

bet i won't tell Vi Yi that i found out her blog link.maybe,it's better for me to just keep quiet.yea.SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH UP,helena.haha.

my neighbour,ji-lynn.cool.sporting.fun.funny.friendly.could be mean sometimes but definitely a good friend to be with.yay!another friend and neighbour.

WOW.i just love BLOGGING.